Tag Archives: relationships

The worst thing that can happen to you.

Helplessness. When undesirable things happen in front of your eyes and you just can’t do anything about it. The event wrecks your heart out and kills you from within. When you feel you were in control of your life and you suddenly slip off. Just like you are about to fall from the slippery floor and you are in the air. You wave your hands. Your eyes open up with scare as to what will happen next and you do every thing you can to help yourself. But, you just can’t. The fall is inevitable. You are going to fall.

Helplessness kills. Its like loosing your control over everything…even yourself. You just can’t do anything about it. You share your deepest fears to the person close to you. But, that person doesn’t acknowledge.And they go out of the way to do it even if means killing your soul. You want to control that person, yet you don’t want to control . Because you believe in freedom. But, you also believe in the thought that the other person will take care of what hurts you and what won’t. But, the person doesn’t care anyways.

And when those things happen, you gloom down like a bright flower dying with each of it’s petal falling away in a depressing evening . You just can’t do anything about it. You surrender, you wither. You shouldn’t have given yourself completely to that person, you say to yourself. And as your soul breathes last moments of death as it is slowly ripped apart, you can’t do anything about it. Just watch yourself helplessly.

Vulnerability

The shell of an oyster is hard. The organism inside is physically fragile. So it keeps the shell tightly closed all the time. But, if the shell opens up, the organism exposes itself. With it’s shell closed, nothing can kill it. But, now anything can kill it. It becomes vulnerable.

We all are psychologically like oysters. Hardened, always on defensive and detached from outcome. But, once in a while you become vulnerable. You come out of the shell – may be for that friend, may be for that special one, for your parents. Because, what joy is there with the shell closed away for everyone?

You let others drive you emotionally.I find it to be superficial when people tell you, you are responsible for your own happiness. No. People to whom we are vulnerable, are responsible for our happiness. But, there is a danger. These people can also drive you mad.

Love is vulnerable. If it is not, then it is not love. Because love follows vulnerability. And people taking advantage of this vulnerability are often described as betrayers and cheaters. They possess the power to make you uncomfortable. And once it happens, you lock down your shell forever. You refuse to come out. Because, emotional wounds don’t heal.

But, even after being hurt there is a sense of content , that you loved fully. Not because you understood the other person, but you understood yourself. The person you love is like a mirror.The more vulnerable you become, the more clearer you can look yourself in the mirror.

We can never see our body completely without mirror.But, what about your soul? The physical mirror doesn’t reflect it. You can only see it, once you become vulnerable. Once you start loving completely and become fully vulnerable, it is only at that point you become that person and that person becomes you. They look for themselves in you and you look for yourself in them. And once that happens, once two circles overlap, you attain ultimate bliss. you have fully accepted the gift of God. The gift of vulnerability.

 

I am just 24 and I have already started to feel like I am 50.

It has been a long time since I wrote anything. Its almost that I have become invisible. Not only to my readers. But, also to me. Believe me, even I didn’t know where I had gone.

People say- Go with the flow. That is what I have been doing. Working hard at the job, coming home late, sleeping and then the other day- repeat.In the process, I forgot who I was. A musician, a writer, fitness-freak and a traveler.

And I realized its not that I have lost myself.Its that I had stopped doing things that made me- myself.

I am just 24 and I have already started to feel like I am 50. How could this all change within few months?

Today I ran 3 Kms after a long time. I was struggling to take a breath. I was running like an old man. But, my breath regulated after a few meters and I started feeling young again. I started feeling who I was. I came home and the first thing I did was sing and play guitar. Then I wrote this article. Now I feel completely with myself.

How stupid it is for us to get lost ourselves in our daily routines. The time never slows and we get caught up like mice made to run on treadmill in laboratories. The jobs will always be there. But, I have learnt to never forget the actual things that make you up and make you feel young. People become old not because they age, but because they stop doing things that make them young.

Why you can never love yourself.

You need people to validate you; you need people to tell they love you. You want them to touch you and assure you that they are going to keep it like this forever. Its a bitter truth. Because, you can’t survive on self-love.

No matter how much we talk of self-love its all superficial. You go to movies alone. You buy yourself an expensive coffee and think that it’s self-love. Then, you update it on facebook that you are doing this all alone and that living solo is best.

You add hastags like #self_love #solo #fun. This in itself is a indicator that you can’t live without telling people. You want them to hear you out like a girl who thinks she is independent but, deep inside she needs constant pampering.

The current Internet culture stresses too much on self-love which I don’t think is a bad thing. It is good that we take care of our health, we look good, learn guitar. But, it is also true that we feel accomplished once people admire our improvement. In short, if self love is a car, then people’s love is the fuel. You love yourself more when people love you.

We are social animals by instinct. Nature forces us to stay with other people. Because, in groups we have greater chances of survival. And if we isolate ourselves, nature punishes us with depression and psychological traumas. That’s why self-love can never over power the confidence that you gain when people validate you.

It’s okay to treat yourself once in a while. We need our own space too, which is also a part of self-love. But, we can’t continue doing it forever. Look deep inside.Deep down inside. Your mind knows you can’t live alone.

 

Just because you are emotionally sensitive doesn’t mean you are weak

There is a category of people in this world and if you land in this category you will know it. Anything that is being said or done to hurt you, affects you immediately.

You are just like that sensitive radio which picks up music instantly if brought into coverage.

Ofcourse, you won’t cry or show your emotions in front of people.Your face will be stoic and hardened like a rock. But, it will be pretending in the end. You can try to hide it. You can cover your face with fake expressions.You will feel bad about yourself that you are affected so quickly.You will unconsciously tell yourself that you don’t give a shit about what the other says or does.

Really? Look deep inside. Still more inside.

You are afraid to face the deepest person inside you. Because, you know what- You actually give a shit about what the other person said or did. People who don’t care don’t go on telling everyone that they don’t care.

You actually want to express what you felt but, you are afraid the other person will abandon you.You are afraid they will get repulsed because you pick up emotions very easily.

So, you bottle up everything inside. Keep it locked deep inside your chest, until the emotions turn into poison and start affecting you physically and psychologically.

Thats the worst thing about sensitive people. When you see a man or a woman getting affected immediately, you mock him or her, tease them for being so emotionally weak.

You tell him to take back his tears. But, for emotionally sensitive people it’s so hard to hold back tears. It’s a different struggle altogether. You want to vomit but, you have to hold it back just because other’s don’t like it. You are crushed between the social pressure and your mind wanting to express.

Insensitive psychopaths will never understand. How will they ? They lack empathy. They lack the ability to place themselves in other’s shoes and feel things. I am not judging them. There is nothing wrong with them. Let them be. The world needs all types of people.

But, if you are emotionally sensitive just don’t change yourself for the sake of validation. Because, when people tell you, you are weak, they are just implying why aren’t you like them? But, what can you do. You can’t ask a plant why are you sprouting only yellow flowers. It just does. It’s inherent nature.

If you are unaffected by emotions you have a psychopathy element in you. It doesn’t mean you are strong. We all know innumerable people in our life who have been affected deeply. They have let the pain pierced them completely. But, they bounced back. How faster you recover decides your strength and not how deeply emotions affect you.

All the beautiful literature and art originated from emotionally senstive people because,they could explore that another dimension in life. So, it’s only weakness if you don’t recover from it. Else, you are blessed to be emotionally sensitive.

Compatibility doesn’t matter in relationships

It does not matter how much compatible you are with your partner. What actually matters is how you can manage those differences between you.

When people say that they are with their partner because they share same values,habits and behaviors they are assuming that their values,habits and behavior will remain same in time to come.

How will such relationships survive if they are depending on compatibility?

The way a person perceives the entire world; the way person behaves, changes a lot with time.Look at the person in the mirror. Look who he is now and then look who he was 5 years ago.

Don’t you see a drastic difference? When I look back in my past I don’t see myself… I see another person in younger body. What I was back then, is gone. Today my outlook has morphed and matured to a different level. Habits, values and perception have changed so drastically.

I don’t know about tomorrow. But, all I can tell is that, I will be definitely someone very different than who I am today. And at the rate at which I am changing I guess, I will be needing a new partner every six months if I rely on compatibility.

Compatibility is a temporary state and therefore, a weak foundation to built your relationship upon. Instead, I have realised, learning to manage differences is much more important.

Accepting the person the way he or she is, is more important. You can be from different planets all together, she must be liking to eat insects and you might be liking to eat rubber but, yet you can be together if you can manage and respect your differences. Compatibility will never be an issue.

But, if you can’t manage differences, upon slight change in compatibility, you will doubt whether you both have a future or not.

 

We don’t know what makes us happy

She had curly hair with big eyes and thin body frame. Every Sunday she would come to take guitar lessons from me. She used to work in a MNC which she always hated.

After every session, we would talk about how life has changed after college. How life has become monotonous. Since, I was also working as a professor I shared the same vibes of boredom for my institution.

Since, her job was located outside Mumbai she would often say how she missed her hometown. Every weekend she would come in the city and she would curse how her job and job location sucked. She would often say how much she is looking forward for her contract to end and return to Mumbai for the job so that she could seek final happiness which she had fantasized.

It has been months since, we have met. That day when we happen to coincidentally talk again, I heard she has shifted back to Mumbai. She has got a job back in hometown with good pay and she is closer to her family. But, now she tells everyone how much she misses her previous location.

I want to call her stupid. But, I won’t. Because, in the end we all are stupid. And when all are stupid then who is stupid?

Pay a visit to a mental hospital and you would see that all patients treat each other as normal.

How we define being normal is different from how they define being normal. I am pretty sure when we visit a mental hospital they all must be laughing at us thinking we really need psychiatric treatment.

The thing is we don’t know what makes us happy. Just because you have a great IQ doesn’t imply you have a great EQ (Emotional quotient).

What is available to us always seems inferior. And we are always looking far away thinking how beautiful it is on the moon. So, you work hard to move away from the earth. You finally buy a space ship with all your hard earned money. Because, you think the conditions that will make you happy are much better on other bodies.

But, when you land up on the moon, you spend the few days in excitement and when you look back on to the earth, the earth looks so beautiful with all shades of green and blue; you wished you had never left that place.

This often happens in relationships. I had known a guy who had come to me for help. He was depressed, sad and anxious.

He told me “I was in a relationship with a girl for two years and soon got bored of her. So, I broke up with her because I felt, I wanted to explore life. She cried that night but, I was firm on my decision. And I broke up. I did all sorts of things I felt was restricted in relationship. Soon, the emptiness caved back and I was feeling alone than ever. Exploration wasn’t much of what he had expected. But, now when I asked her for getting back together again she denied me in a cold manner. I have realized, I love her so much. I want her back. What should I do? Tell me some psychological tricks!”

I didn’t comment on this. How could I help? I was pretty sure if he went back to her he would have gotten bored of her again.

Sometimes I do feel like not wanting to help humans. Because, human mind is cunning…sometimes intentionally or unintentionally.  And you don’t help the cunning. If you feed milk to snake, it’s still going to turn into poison.

I am no exception. I often want to run to the office when I am home. And when I am at office I want to run home. I at times take my parents for granted and ignore my friends. Is this what I am going to do all my life, I wonder.

I fall into the trap of being ungrateful. But, I have to make myself aware. They say the only thing you can love anything is to know that it could be lost.

Mental relativism is the most important thing you could teach to a child. Because, this is how he will stop looking for happiness by hopping from one place to another; or one person to another; or one job to another. If we could only differentiate between what is pleasure and what is happiness!

Taking things for granted…including people

Few months ago I bought a new phone. The phone had a superior configuration. What a day it was!

I remember unboxing it slowly as I wrapped the back of the phone in a bubble bag and took it in my hand making sure I don’t damage it. I was like a mother holding her new-born baby.

Months later, you could see I am throwing it away on the bed like it’s some cheap device. I remove its metal case recklessly without caring whether I am scratching its body or not. I give it to the kids who play war games as they drool over my phone’s entire screen. Sometimes my phone falls on the floor but, seconds later I am as happy as I was moments before.

Then one day, my phone got stolen.

That entire one week, I was in the absence of my phone. It’s true when one says ‘Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones, because regret is stronger than the gratitude.’

I had underestimated how much pain I will go through after the loss of my device. I alwayshad  thought ‘What’s the big deal? I know it’s not going anywhere.’ I had this notion that time is infinite and so are the things that stay with you. But, that week I realized how hard it is live without it.

But, not only is this limited to the gadgets. We also tend to take our people for granted. We treat objects and people as same. It’s natural tendency of human being.

We think our parents are here forever since they are always available. So, we tend to ignore their needs and instead opt for laziness because, things available to us go into our background.

The only way to love anything is to know that it could be lost.

When your parents tend to call you out of care, you seem to ignore them. The greatest regret a person has when their parents die, is that they didn’t pay enough attention to their needs. Why?

Why is it that when your lover leaves you, he or she suddenly starts to appear super-hot?

You are a human. You will take things for granted. It’s natural. Can you hear that ceiling fan’s noise? You heard it when I just told you. But, all this time you were deaf to it. The things which are already there will go into your background.

Its essential to practice gratitude. As I said, the only thing to love anything is to know it could be lost…forever.

A week later my parents bought me a new phone. I was happy. Gadgets are replaceable. But, people?


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