Category Archives: relationships

The worst thing that can happen to you.

Helplessness. When undesirable things happen in front of your eyes and you just can’t do anything about it. The event wrecks your heart out and kills you from within. When you feel you were in control of your life and you suddenly slip off. Just like you are about to fall from the slippery floor and you are in the air. You wave your hands. Your eyes open up with scare as to what will happen next and you do every thing you can to help yourself. But, you just can’t. The fall is inevitable. You are going to fall.

Helplessness kills. Its like loosing your control over everything…even yourself. You just can’t do anything about it. You share your deepest fears to the person close to you. But, that person doesn’t acknowledge.And they go out of the way to do it even if means killing your soul. You want to control that person, yet you don’t want to control . Because you believe in freedom. But, you also believe in the thought that the other person will take care of what hurts you and what won’t. But, the person doesn’t care anyways.

And when those things happen, you gloom down like a bright flower dying with each of it’s petal falling away in a depressing evening . You just can’t do anything about it. You surrender, you wither. You shouldn’t have given yourself completely to that person, you say to yourself. And as your soul breathes last moments of death as it is slowly ripped apart, you can’t do anything about it. Just watch yourself helplessly.

Vulnerability

The shell of an oyster is hard. The organism inside is physically fragile. So it keeps the shell tightly closed all the time. But, if the shell opens up, the organism exposes itself. With it’s shell closed, nothing can kill it. But, now anything can kill it. It becomes vulnerable.

We all are psychologically like oysters. Hardened, always on defensive and detached from outcome. But, once in a while you become vulnerable. You come out of the shell – may be for that friend, may be for that special one, for your parents. Because, what joy is there with the shell closed away for everyone?

You let others drive you emotionally.I find it to be superficial when people tell you, you are responsible for your own happiness. No. People to whom we are vulnerable, are responsible for our happiness. But, there is a danger. These people can also drive you mad.

Love is vulnerable. If it is not, then it is not love. Because love follows vulnerability. And people taking advantage of this vulnerability are often described as betrayers and cheaters. They possess the power to make you uncomfortable. And once it happens, you lock down your shell forever. You refuse to come out. Because, emotional wounds don’t heal.

But, even after being hurt there is a sense of content , that you loved fully. Not because you understood the other person, but you understood yourself. The person you love is like a mirror.The more vulnerable you become, the more clearer you can look yourself in the mirror.

We can never see our body completely without mirror.But, what about your soul? The physical mirror doesn’t reflect it. You can only see it, once you become vulnerable. Once you start loving completely and become fully vulnerable, it is only at that point you become that person and that person becomes you. They look for themselves in you and you look for yourself in them. And once that happens, once two circles overlap, you attain ultimate bliss. you have fully accepted the gift of God. The gift of vulnerability.

 

Compatibility doesn’t matter in relationships

It does not matter how much compatible you are with your partner. What actually matters is how you can manage those differences between you.

When people say that they are with their partner because they share same values,habits and behaviors they are assuming that their values,habits and behavior will remain same in time to come.

How will such relationships survive if they are depending on compatibility?

The way a person perceives the entire world; the way person behaves, changes a lot with time.Look at the person in the mirror. Look who he is now and then look who he was 5 years ago.

Don’t you see a drastic difference? When I look back in my past I don’t see myself… I see another person in younger body. What I was back then, is gone. Today my outlook has morphed and matured to a different level. Habits, values and perception have changed so drastically.

I don’t know about tomorrow. But, all I can tell is that, I will be definitely someone very different than who I am today. And at the rate at which I am changing I guess, I will be needing a new partner every six months if I rely on compatibility.

Compatibility is a temporary state and therefore, a weak foundation to built your relationship upon. Instead, I have realised, learning to manage differences is much more important.

Accepting the person the way he or she is, is more important. You can be from different planets all together, she must be liking to eat insects and you might be liking to eat rubber but, yet you can be together if you can manage and respect your differences. Compatibility will never be an issue.

But, if you can’t manage differences, upon slight change in compatibility, you will doubt whether you both have a future or not.

 

High standard of living vs good quality of life

I once heard a story of a rich man who was in his thirties. He possessed everything a man could have- a big house in a high profile area, a luxury car and rolex watch. And he wanted more.

Once, it happened that he got into a verbal fight with a beggar who would regularly sit outside his house. He didn’t like that. So, the rich man decided to show him his place and mock him of his poverty.

The beggar,finally frustrated with the argument then pointed out “What is the use of your wealth, if your wife sleeps with your driver?” The rich man was taken aback.He was busy earning wealth,travelling places and working long hours, that he had no time for his family.

Since, beggar had no work to do the entire day, when the rich man would leave for work or would remain absent, he would often see the rich man’s wife going naughty with the driver.

This might be a good example of  high standard of living but a poor quality of life. If you don’t have your relations in place. If you don’t have time for yourself. If you can’t take out time for your hobbies, what is the use of gold brick in your locker. You become a decorated vessel but, all empty inside that makes  a hollow sound.

Does it mean a high standard of living doesn’t make any sense?

A ‘good quality of life’ is like a burger and ‘high standard of living’ is like a ketchup sauce. You can eat the burger without a sauce. It’s not compulsory. But, you can’t just eat the sauce alone(I am saying this assuming you are a normal human being) .

Learning to create a good quality of life is much more important than a high standard of living. Much important as a foundation upon which you build a house. 

If you don’t have good friends you can trust , if you have a wrecked family, if you can’t take out time for yourself, if you are constantly stressed, maybe you need to fall back and ask whatever you are doing makes any sense or not? 

A ‘high standard of living’ will always compliment your life like a sauce to burger. It can never be a whole-and-sole being of your life. Once, that you have the burger, you are ready to try different flavors of sauces.

We don’t know what makes us happy

She had curly hair with big eyes and thin body frame. Every Sunday she would come to take guitar lessons from me. She used to work in a MNC which she always hated.

After every session, we would talk about how life has changed after college. How life has become monotonous. Since, I was also working as a professor I shared the same vibes of boredom for my institution.

Since, her job was located outside Mumbai she would often say how she missed her hometown. Every weekend she would come in the city and she would curse how her job and job location sucked. She would often say how much she is looking forward for her contract to end and return to Mumbai for the job so that she could seek final happiness which she had fantasized.

It has been months since, we have met. That day when we happen to coincidentally talk again, I heard she has shifted back to Mumbai. She has got a job back in hometown with good pay and she is closer to her family. But, now she tells everyone how much she misses her previous location.

I want to call her stupid. But, I won’t. Because, in the end we all are stupid. And when all are stupid then who is stupid?

Pay a visit to a mental hospital and you would see that all patients treat each other as normal.

How we define being normal is different from how they define being normal. I am pretty sure when we visit a mental hospital they all must be laughing at us thinking we really need psychiatric treatment.

The thing is we don’t know what makes us happy. Just because you have a great IQ doesn’t imply you have a great EQ (Emotional quotient).

What is available to us always seems inferior. And we are always looking far away thinking how beautiful it is on the moon. So, you work hard to move away from the earth. You finally buy a space ship with all your hard earned money. Because, you think the conditions that will make you happy are much better on other bodies.

But, when you land up on the moon, you spend the few days in excitement and when you look back on to the earth, the earth looks so beautiful with all shades of green and blue; you wished you had never left that place.

This often happens in relationships. I had known a guy who had come to me for help. He was depressed, sad and anxious.

He told me “I was in a relationship with a girl for two years and soon got bored of her. So, I broke up with her because I felt, I wanted to explore life. She cried that night but, I was firm on my decision. And I broke up. I did all sorts of things I felt was restricted in relationship. Soon, the emptiness caved back and I was feeling alone than ever. Exploration wasn’t much of what he had expected. But, now when I asked her for getting back together again she denied me in a cold manner. I have realized, I love her so much. I want her back. What should I do? Tell me some psychological tricks!”

I didn’t comment on this. How could I help? I was pretty sure if he went back to her he would have gotten bored of her again.

Sometimes I do feel like not wanting to help humans. Because, human mind is cunning…sometimes intentionally or unintentionally.  And you don’t help the cunning. If you feed milk to snake, it’s still going to turn into poison.

I am no exception. I often want to run to the office when I am home. And when I am at office I want to run home. I at times take my parents for granted and ignore my friends. Is this what I am going to do all my life, I wonder.

I fall into the trap of being ungrateful. But, I have to make myself aware. They say the only thing you can love anything is to know that it could be lost.

Mental relativism is the most important thing you could teach to a child. Because, this is how he will stop looking for happiness by hopping from one place to another; or one person to another; or one job to another. If we could only differentiate between what is pleasure and what is happiness!

Taking things for granted…including people

Few months ago I bought a new phone. The phone had a superior configuration. What a day it was!

I remember unboxing it slowly as I wrapped the back of the phone in a bubble bag and took it in my hand making sure I don’t damage it. I was like a mother holding her new-born baby.

Months later, you could see I am throwing it away on the bed like it’s some cheap device. I remove its metal case recklessly without caring whether I am scratching its body or not. I give it to the kids who play war games as they drool over my phone’s entire screen. Sometimes my phone falls on the floor but, seconds later I am as happy as I was moments before.

Then one day, my phone got stolen.

That entire one week, I was in the absence of my phone. It’s true when one says ‘Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones, because regret is stronger than the gratitude.’

I had underestimated how much pain I will go through after the loss of my device. I alwayshad  thought ‘What’s the big deal? I know it’s not going anywhere.’ I had this notion that time is infinite and so are the things that stay with you. But, that week I realized how hard it is live without it.

But, not only is this limited to the gadgets. We also tend to take our people for granted. We treat objects and people as same. It’s natural tendency of human being.

We think our parents are here forever since they are always available. So, we tend to ignore their needs and instead opt for laziness because, things available to us go into our background.

The only way to love anything is to know that it could be lost.

When your parents tend to call you out of care, you seem to ignore them. The greatest regret a person has when their parents die, is that they didn’t pay enough attention to their needs. Why?

Why is it that when your lover leaves you, he or she suddenly starts to appear super-hot?

You are a human. You will take things for granted. It’s natural. Can you hear that ceiling fan’s noise? You heard it when I just told you. But, all this time you were deaf to it. The things which are already there will go into your background.

Its essential to practice gratitude. As I said, the only thing to love anything is to know it could be lost…forever.

A week later my parents bought me a new phone. I was happy. Gadgets are replaceable. But, people?

Becoming outcome independent

I turned 24, this February. The years 23 and 24 are pushing me through metamorphosis. By reading, you gain knowledge, by experiencing you gain wisdom. The more wisdom you gain, your perspective becomes different towards life. So much happened in past few years .Though physically I am still young, I feel like a 50 year old inside. The experiences transformed me.

I had few plans in my life back then, as to what I would do, who I would be with when I would be 24 and 25 but, the fact that the reality is unexpectedly different than what I had thought it to be.

And if you ask me if the transformation is good or bad, I did rather keep mum and be neutral about the circumstances I am going through. I can’t describe how my life is. It just is. Becoming non-judgmental about circumstances is one of the pieces of wisdom I ingrained during my experiences.

Something similar I learnt, is to be out-come independent. You do things for the sake of passion and love. If you put certain expectations from it and if it doesn’t turn out to be real,the fall from the top is real hard.

Of course, now people are going to tell me I am a coward to run away from this fall. They will say “You will learn only when you fall” and whatnot. But, you need to understand that when you put million expectations from life and life fulfills only a couple of them, the chances are you are going to fall again and again.

And for how long are you going to do this? You are a human in the end. You are a mortal. You have a limit to everything – your willpower, your resistance to negativity, your mental strength. There comes a point when you are no more elastic and then you break down. Those who say that this isn’t true for them, are lying or either they are not human.

You can carry a certain amount of weight as a human. But ,no matter how strong you are you are going to be crushed when an elephant walks over you.

Being outcome independent can help you to manage your fall. You do things for the sake of doing because you love it.

Think about it in terms of career. If you are doing something just because you love to do it in the present, then you don’t care about anything. Then who cares about the future, the past? When the present is so beautiful. Success becomes a side effect of it.

Think about it in terms of love. If you love someone in the present, then why worry about past and future. Just love. Ultimately future is nothing but, succession of all the present time you are spending together. Then marriage becomes a side effect.

Of course there is also a chance that success might not happen, the marriage might not happen. But, you never wasted that time together with your love, with your work. It was worth every second.

I have realized – Stay wherever you are. Don’t drift. Focus on your breath. When was the last time you felt the air through your nostrils? You were busy focused at the outcome, to look at the next thing which may or may not happen.

The world is huge and massive and with so many complicated variables affecting your life. You are planning your life on a couple of variables. Tomorrow you might become a person who wins a lottery or you might be someone who gets killed in a car accident and then after few days people forget all about you. In either case you had no control over things.

Think about this. If you are not today who you had planned yourself to be five years ago… you won’t be this person after five years( or may be no more alive).

Priorities will change, perspective towards life will change, your philosophy towards life will change, what matters to you most… will change, people in your life will change. But , one thing will remain same- doing what you love in the present.

And when the life ends, you will look at it like a collection of short stories in succession, beautifully woven like a necklace. And that necklace will be the most beautiful ornament you will be wearing when you bid adieu to this world.

The fragile nature of relationships these days

These days Relationships have become fragile just as paper-boat floating over a stream of water. The concept of ‘Use-and-throw’ is seen more prominently . The ability to adjust and compromise has reduced. Our new commandment is  ‘Me before you’. But, wait!  Why should we even compromise? We believe in individualism, isn’t it?

But, haven’t we taken the concept of individualism to the extremes? Of course, it is healthy to have the attitude of ‘walking away’ or ‘I don’t give a fuck’ or ‘Plenty of fishes in the sea’. But, think of these attitudes to the extremes and observe people who are filled up fully with these attitudes. They are nothing but lonely meat heads with inflated chest, full of empty ego and extreme individualism.

People these days confuse ego with self-esteem. When a person doesn’t talk to you  or fights with you, do you inquire about the reason or you just have an IDGAF attitude? A person ignores you and instead of asking what happened you just walk away, thinking you just saved your self worth.

Does it work that way?Don’t you need to go and talk to the people if you think things are not right between you? This is called sacrificing ego for the sake of relationship which is not same as sacrificing self-esteem.

You sacrifice self-esteem when you act like a wimp going back to the person again and again who is uninterested in fixing the relationship. Because, if that is the case then you are turning your self-worth into a garbage with every approach.

Don’t worry, your individualism which you preserve  to the core won’t be affected by bending of your ego. Keep your relationship below your ego but, above your self-esteem.

I have never forgotten to draw a line and keep myself within that. Approaching once or twice is ok. Even thrice is ok. But, then you need to stop.

Just go and talk to the person and ask him about that.May be he or she has something to share. In return you might also earn respect for being humble and you won’t loose away people that easily. After all, in the end we are social creatures and no matter how much introvert you are, the quality of relationships in your life will highly contribute to your happiness.


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