The art of being fearless in social situations

It is easy to frighten someone if that person is already frighten. Try scaring a dog. If the dog gets scared and starts running away from you, you will be motivated to scare him further.

But, what will happen if you try to hit the dog and the dog shows his teeth, his hind legs tightened, ready to pounce on you? You will walk away and say to yourself “This is not someone I should be messing up with!”. Then next time when you see that dog again, would you try to hit him? You wouldn’t. ( Ofcourse, unless you aren’t retarded).

Same is with the humans. You might want to argue dogs and humans are different and we can’t draw comparisons with them. Yes, they might physically and intellectually differ. But, the entire animal kingdom has one thing in common- fear.

Every new person (including your friends, co-workers and bosses)  you meet in your life will at some point try to test you. They will start small. The same way we first try to wave at dog as if you are going to hit him. That is the first step of inducing fear. That is the point when you have to retaliate. If you don’t, you are teaching the other person that it’s okay to push you around. This becomes a viscous cycle. Next time that person sees you, they are going to have little fun with you.

And with time you will have a reputation of being a person who never says no and accepts whatever is being imposed on him or her.

Start pushing back. When the person throws shit at you, take the same shit and stuff that into his or her mouth. At the same time you are setting up an example for other people to observe you. You are sending a message that they can’t bully you.

Retaliation doesn’t mean you show your teeth like a dog and pounce on them. It is setting up the standards in the start itself as to what is acceptable and what is not. When someone tries to make fun of you in the public place and you don’t like it, meet that person in one-to-one and tell him clearly that his behavior was unacceptable and it is not happening again. That person will try to justify that it was all in fun and friend, you stop him right there and repeat what you can’t accept.

How life has changed

It is difficult for me to fathom that I have reached a stage of life which I had never dreamt about in my childhood days. And the journey is definitely not inspiring.

My childhood days were spent daydreaming about saving the world from apocalypse or becoming someone very unique who was sent to this world to fulfill a purpose ( Some idea that I got from obsessively reading super hero comics or telecasts of low budget Indian superheroes).

Children are such fool to think that it is practical in real life. I remember in my primary school, once a teacher asked a student what he wants to become when he grows up. He said he wanted to be a spiderman. Teacher laughed so loud, but stopped immediately to realize that the entire class was silent. Silent, because we believed he could become one someday( May be we had lots of spiders in our science labs ). And since I called all of us fool but yet, we were happy. A fool can easily be happy. Wise people find it hard to sustain the feeling of happiness.

And as we grow up, we become wiser, where we all screw up.

Life today is no long the same it used to be. I told you. It is difficult for me to fathom that I have reached a stage of life which I had never dreamt about in my childhood days. And the journey is definitely not inspiring.

I have realized, we all are unique- just like others. How much important are you in this world? In this entire universe, you are just a speck who will die. And believe me, people forget you after your funeral. When they will go back to their own homes,they will think about you for 10 seconds, then forget. Because, they have their own life to look after. One day after, no one cares.

Life changes in a way that it puts you into existential crises. It destroys all your childhood illusions.You can’t do anything like a superhero except eat and poop like him. In the process of your beliefs getting destroyed, you try to hold on to it. Because, that had always given you an identity. And now, you have to face the final question- Who are you, why are you here and what are you doing?

We definitely don’t ever get these answers. But yes, it is sort of relieving to know that you have no responsibility to save the world. A lot of burden is uplifted because you can be comfortable in being imperfect. You can do what you like and not be worried about your purpose in life. Life definitely hasn’t become interesting. But, yes it has become more settling,more surrendering and more relaxing. Isn’t that what we always wanted? Peace of mind?

 

 

Deleting facebook account

Facebook started as something really exciting. Something that we can tread into and have fun. These days it has become into nothing more than chaos.

When I was very young I wanted chaos in my life. I would myself enter the chaos. Chaos makes us feel alive. This is how it is. As we grow we become used to it and then you don’t want it.

You want your life to be simple.So ,these days I avoid chaos. I try to find silence as much as I can. The people around me. I am very much selective of people wanting to enter my life. If they repeatedly threaten my peace of mind, I don’t think before separating from them even for a second. We all have less time on earth and it is useless to waste it on people who hurt you.

Facebook was created to connect people. But, we forget the connection is only virtual and hence, superficial. It was fine until that. But, today people just don’t care. Facebook has turn into just another rotten social media site where you just scroll endlessly like eating junk chips without thinking of anything.

So, I have decided to get rid of it. I will be deleting my Facebook account…once and for all.

Relationships with no expectations

With expectations ,the world is supposed to be in a certain way. That your career should progress in a certain way. That people should behave with you in a certain way.

With time, the perception of how you see the world changes. Every time you encounter different people in your life, frustration sets in, because you expected them to do something for you and they failed to live upto your standards. And as you grow the amount of frustration deepens. The hopelessness arising out of expectations from people increases.

Living a life of no expectations is the most beautiful way to live. Because then everything that you get is a bonus. Everything that you loose,doesn’t hurt or atleast hurts less like a needle.But,then you are okay.

Expecting someone to be honest, expecting someone to be loyal, expecting someone to act in a way so it doesn’t hurt you is the most stupid way anyone can live. Killing expectations make you neutral, grounded and gives you peace of mind which is most above all. Life is beautiful, only if it weren’t filled with so many expectations.

Why getting married is no longer a big deal these days?

Marriage used to be a big deal years back. Once you get married you stayed together because there was societal pressure. You had to worry about protecting your parent’s so called prestige. That prestige mattered because no matter how much you find marriage dysfunctional, you stayed in because you wouldn’t be able to face the scoundrel relatives ready to back gossip  once you divorce. You had this fear of being exiled from community. And getting a beating from your drunk husband was less painful than the pain, society would inflict if you break bonds.

So marriage was a big deal. It was more like- yes now this is the person I am going to live throughout my life. There is no one else …which is kinda cute. But, yes it was more like- Even if he or she becomes a head ache I have no where to go. So better suck it up.

But, in today’s era where we have lost sense of something called society, where we all have become introverts not wanting to involve other people in our matter, marriage is nothing more than a play. Because the stigma attached to divorce is no longer there.So, just like you breakup, you divorce. Except that courts involves itself in divorce.

In few months you are free individual who will start dating again just like you used to do after a breakup.

Marriage is no longer something that it used to be. Marriage is more like a vacation you go on to, where you spend your years of hard earned money- prewedding shoots,food and clothes and something that fulfills your fantasies. And then from next day you are back to work.

The worst thing that can happen to you.

Helplessness. When undesirable things happen in front of your eyes and you just can’t do anything about it. The event wrecks your heart out and kills you from within. When you feel you were in control of your life and you suddenly slip off. Just like you are about to fall from the slippery floor and you are in the air. You wave your hands. Your eyes open up with scare as to what will happen next and you do every thing you can to help yourself. But, you just can’t. The fall is inevitable. You are going to fall.

Helplessness kills. Its like loosing your control over everything…even yourself. You just can’t do anything about it. You share your deepest fears to the person close to you. But, that person doesn’t acknowledge.And they go out of the way to do it even if means killing your soul. You want to control that person, yet you don’t want to control . Because you believe in freedom. But, you also believe in the thought that the other person will take care of what hurts you and what won’t. But, the person doesn’t care anyways.

And when those things happen, you gloom down like a bright flower dying with each of it’s petal falling away in a depressing evening . You just can’t do anything about it. You surrender, you wither. You shouldn’t have given yourself completely to that person, you say to yourself. And as your soul breathes last moments of death as it is slowly ripped apart, you can’t do anything about it. Just watch yourself helplessly.

Vulnerability

The shell of an oyster is hard. The organism inside is physically fragile. So it keeps the shell tightly closed all the time. But, if the shell opens up, the organism exposes itself. With it’s shell closed, nothing can kill it. But, now anything can kill it. It becomes vulnerable.

We all are psychologically like oysters. Hardened, always on defensive and detached from outcome. But, once in a while you become vulnerable. You come out of the shell – may be for that friend, may be for that special one, for your parents. Because, what joy is there with the shell closed away for everyone?

You let others drive you emotionally.I find it to be superficial when people tell you, you are responsible for your own happiness. No. People to whom we are vulnerable, are responsible for our happiness. But, there is a danger. These people can also drive you mad.

Love is vulnerable. If it is not, then it is not love. Because love follows vulnerability. And people taking advantage of this vulnerability are often described as betrayers and cheaters. They possess the power to make you uncomfortable. And once it happens, you lock down your shell forever. You refuse to come out. Because, emotional wounds don’t heal.

But, even after being hurt there is a sense of content , that you loved fully. Not because you understood the other person, but you understood yourself. The person you love is like a mirror.The more vulnerable you become, the more clearer you can look yourself in the mirror.

We can never see our body completely without mirror.But, what about your soul? The physical mirror doesn’t reflect it. You can only see it, once you become vulnerable. Once you start loving completely and become fully vulnerable, it is only at that point you become that person and that person becomes you. They look for themselves in you and you look for yourself in them. And once that happens, once two circles overlap, you attain ultimate bliss. you have fully accepted the gift of God. The gift of vulnerability.

 

I am just 24 and I have already started to feel like I am 50.

It has been a long time since I wrote anything. Its almost that I have become invisible. Not only to my readers. But, also to me. Believe me, even I didn’t know where I had gone.

People say- Go with the flow. That is what I have been doing. Working hard at the job, coming home late, sleeping and then the other day- repeat.In the process, I forgot who I was. A musician, a writer, fitness-freak and a traveler.

And I realized its not that I have lost myself.Its that I had stopped doing things that made me- myself.

I am just 24 and I have already started to feel like I am 50. How could this all change within few months?

Today I ran 3 Kms after a long time. I was struggling to take a breath. I was running like an old man. But, my breath regulated after a few meters and I started feeling young again. I started feeling who I was. I came home and the first thing I did was sing and play guitar. Then I wrote this article. Now I feel completely with myself.

How stupid it is for us to get lost ourselves in our daily routines. The time never slows and we get caught up like mice made to run on treadmill in laboratories. The jobs will always be there. But, I have learnt to never forget the actual things that make you up and make you feel young. People become old not because they age, but because they stop doing things that make them young.

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